To Let Go--To Forgive--To Love

"Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong. Sometimes it's letting go." -Sylvia Robinson

I don't know what I want to say about this statement, all I know is that it hits a cord. So much has changed in my life in the last 2 years, holding on to things is just unhealthy. Moving forward has definitely caused me to repeatedly ask for strength from my Heavenly Father. I have found what has made me strong is forgiveness. Accepting my Fathers forgiveness of me. Forgiving others their transgressions. Is that what Sylvia means by "letting go" - forgiveness? It is so unnatural to do, isn't it?

Being unforgiving... is like a poision. I heard an anology a while back, forgive me for butchering it here, but it was something to the affect of, "bitterness is like drinking poision and expecting the person your mad at to die."

And why is asking forgivness so difficult?! Being prideful really gets you nowhere, so why are we tempted to be so? Why is forgiving yourself even more difficult than forgiving others? I find that I hold myself to a much higher standard than I hold others in my life. But if we are called to "Love others as you love yourself" ---so could we say, "forgive others as you forgive yourself." But if you don't love yourself, or are unwilling to forgive yourself, can you really love and forgive others.

Why am I putting love and forgivness in a sentance as if they are synonymous?
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Why after leaving my 6 year relationship was I made stronger? I remained bitter at him for not proposing for years (I was the drinking poison, expecting him to see and be hurt and react to it).. then when he finally did I left and let go of the relationship. Over the last 7 months I definitely feel as if healing in our frienship as occured. I still love him, really I love him more now.. I'll admit it. I treat him better now, than I ever did when we were dating. Is it because I finally accepted my Fathers love for me, that I learned how to truly love? That because I actually love myself now, that I am able to love others. I don't see a marriage with this man... although I truly believe he will make a wonderful husband and father someday, I don't believe it is with me. But I miss him and our friendship.

We spoke a few times in April-- in person I was happy to be speaking with him, but as soon as he would leave I was crushed and emotionally exhausted. I was so pleased to be moving across the country so that those moments would not occur anymore. However, we have spoke over the phone a couple of times and I am always so excited to hear his voice. He was my best friend for 7 years... I love to share my stories with him and listen to his. Just because I am not marrying him anymore, why is there this unspoken rule of "you can't be friends." I just heard from my dad that he is looking into helping me out with my car, something about he can get me some free tires from his work. I look at these gestures and I see the boy, man now, that I fell in love with. When we were dating he always treated our friends better than he did me... we both did. Now that I am just a friend he is treating me with the same love and care he always treated all of our friends. I am having a difficult time letting go of this. I value his friendship, and I don't want to let it go. Is it possible to be friends? It's easier not to slip back into old habits now that I am across the country... but is it healthy?

I really feel as if him and I don't fit that standard 'break-up' mold. We have this amazing mutual respect and love of each other... I let go of him 7 months ago.. was made stronger. Periodically, he comes back... so am I really letting go? Will it really make me stronger, to deny this friendship for longer? "Absense makes the heart grow fonder."

But then I remember, what is more important here- to deny him or to deny God. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all you ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6 ---this verse shows up in my life all of the time at the moments I need it the most. For example this is just one of many occurances (God is so intentional here)- my first night in San Diego I ate at In & Out Burger (of'course!) and on the bottom of my chocolate shake cup was "Proverbs 3:5-6"--- As I remain obediant to God ... only good things come. When I spend so much time without communication with him, then I hear how God has been working in his life, I am soooo inspired and grateful for the break-up. I am so proud of him, it brings me to tears I am so overwhelmingly joyed, I am so proud of him.

Wow.. was not expecting all of that to come out..

"We love with a love that is more than just love." -Edgar Allen Poe